Chinese youth cut ties with relatives even as family size gets smaller

On top of the multiple stressors that Chinese youths struggle with in their daily lives — from the bleak economic outlook to poor employment prospects and the financial blow caused by the pandemic — annoying relatives are getting the boot. Lianhe Zaobao China Desk looks into why young people are no longer tolerating toxic familial relationships and if this is an inevitable trend of modernisation.
People walk in a public park in Beijing, China, on 15 April 2023. (Wang Zhao/AFP)
People walk in a public park in Beijing, China, on 15 April 2023. (Wang Zhao/AFP)

Chinese youths cutting ties with their relatives has resurfaced as a hot topic on Chinese social media after Sanlian Lifeweek Magazine (《三联生活周刊》) published an article in May about a 33-year-old netizen who did just that.

In the article, the author, Pan Duola, recounted the story of how she and her parents decided to cut ties with their relatives. While the article resonated with countless netizens, it also triggered a fierce online debate. Topics such as “Some people are cutting ties with relatives” and “Youths cutting ties” (断亲青年) became top searches on Weibo.

Mixed reactions

On 29 May, ifeng.com’s commentary titled “Why are Youths Cutting Ties with Relatives” attracted 2.9 million readers in an hour. Similar topics have regularly trended on the Chinese internet. Every Spring Festival, netizens would always comment on Weibo: “Why are today’s youths no longer visiting their relatives?”

There are even online groups dedicated to sharing complaints about one’s relatives, for example, there is the "unbelievable relatives complain group" under Douban, a Chinese social networking service. And one can also find plenty of complaints about one's relatives on the Chinese forum website Zhihu, making "complaints" the most popular thread under the topic of "relatives".

...they will come to realise the benefits of keeping in touch with relatives when they are older. - netizens

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People walk past a tanning studio in Beijing, China, on 22 May 2023. (Greg Baker/AFP)

Sanlian Lifeweek Magazine posted a survey on Weibo, asking netizens for their thoughts on the phenomenon. As of the afternoon of 29 May, 50,000 out of the 116,000 respondents indicated that they “support” these youths as some relatives are indeed not worth one’s time.

Another 57,000 respondents said that the youths' behaviour is “normal” because relationships with relatives are bound to be superficial due to the lack of contact. Meanwhile, 20,000 respondents also felt that “those who are actually close to you won't need your intentional efforts”, and 3,924, or just 3% of total respondents, think that visiting relatives is still “necessary” as it provides more support.

Netizens who are critical of the phenomenon think that it highlights the younger generation’s apathy and indifference towards familial relations. They criticised them for “having no sense of family” and “lacking filial piety”, adding that they will come to realise the benefits of keeping in touch with relatives when they are older.

Some associate this phenomenon with China’s low birth rate and think that it will be detrimental to the country’s long-term development.

Cutting ties with relatives has in fact become a social norm that will continue to deepen with urbanisation and the advancement of the internet.

An inevitable trend of modernisation?

According to the experts, those who “cut ties with relatives” show apathy, indifference and disdain for interacting with relatives from one's own generation, or those who are one generation above or below. Instead of a formal "break-up", they give up maintaining relationships with them. And such decisions will not be turned around by moral criticisms. 

In his 2022 article (《青年“断亲”:何以发生?何去何从?》), Hu Xiaowu, an associate professor at Nanjing University’s School of Social and Behavioral Sciences, pointed out that the younger the individual, the less likely they are to interact with their relatives. This phenomenon is especially prevalent among the post-1990s and post-2000s generation. Cutting ties with relatives has in fact become a social norm that will continue to deepen with urbanisation and the advancement of the internet.

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Workers pick fresh-cut flowers at a flower field in Handan, Hebei province, China, on 16 May 2023. (AFP)

Hu also said that when cutting ties, the younger generation are acting differently from their parents, and this is a result of societal changes brought about by urbanisation, causing changes in finances, living spaces and lifestyles. 

In an interview with Southern Weekly in May, Hu said that he does not see the phenomenon as a social problem but as an objective outcome.

Speaking from his own experience, Hu shared that he had grown apart from his relatives after moving from his small hometown in Jiangxi to the megacity of Nanjing over two decades ago. Although Hu’s sister lives in Zhejiang and her children are close relatives of his children, they only meet once a year, or twice if they are free during the holidays.

Modernisation has also caused the Chinese people to become less reliant on the “extended family”.

Hu said this interpersonal distance accentuated by time and space is the result of an open and mobile macrostructure brought about by China’s urbanisation, which has ultimately changed the structure of Chinese society.

Modernisation has also caused the Chinese people to become less reliant on the “extended family”.

Hu said that in agricultural or pre-modern societies, kinship is highly valued as family expansion can enhance the survival and development of the entire family. Hence, finding ways to connect with one’s relatives was seen as survival wisdom.

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People walk through a traditional shopping street in the Qianmen area of Beijing, China, on 3 May 2023. (Greg Baker/AFP)

Comparing what Hu described in his article with today’s situation, it is clear that students today are busy with their studies while adults are busy with work — the social relations forged during this process are all non-familial. With the advent of the internet, an individual has access to a variety of services and entertainment via online business activities even if they live alone, and is able to take care of themselves. Under such circumstances, kinship has gradually become optional rather than necessary.

The Southern Metropolis Daily commented that instead of worrying that young people have abandoned their “family”, cutting ties should be seen as the rise of self-awareness among young people and a review of modern relationships.

Youth choosing individualism

Netizens generally dislike the “awkward conversations” with relatives after long periods apart. They are also put off by some behaviours among relatives without a sense of boundaries, generating avoidance and even disgust.

Pan wrote that she was born in a third-tier city in Guangdong, where all her relatives lived. Her father is the eldest son and took on most of the financial responsibilities in the large family, such as taking care of the elderly when they fell ill and handling funeral arrangements. Pan herself was constantly ridiculed by her relatives because of her poor academic performance, and was once scolded by her relatives for listening to pop music, and described by them as lazy and pleasure-seeking. 

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Young people in Beijing snapping photos of one another, 25 May 2023.

“They are not guiding me. Just a dozen adults bullying me to vent their emotions,” she said.

But when Pan was admitted to a prestigious music school, her relatives’ attitude completely changed. During gatherings, they urged their own children to learn from her, but the uninvited spotlight embarrassed and stressed her instead. She eventually cut off contact with her relatives and spent holidays and special occasions with her parents only.

Pan’s account resonated with many people. Netizens said, “We rarely meet some relatives, and when we do meet, it’s just awkward small talk — pressuring us to get married and have children, showing off their jobs and salaries, comparing sons-in-law and daughters-in-law!”

In most situations, it is hard for younger Chinese people to speak up to their elders. Sociologist Zhai Xuewei told The Beijing News that in traditional Chinese society, there is a culture of “saving face” in fixed relationships such as those with relatives, just as subordinates flatter their Chinese superiors during meals.

...it is not that young people do not need relatives, but they have new hopes for familial relationships: mutual respect without dependency.

However, on Chinese social media, an idealised relative has emerged: the “youngest aunt” (小姨, xiaoyi). This trend became popular during this year’s Spring Festival, as many netizens said that they have a youngest aunt, a confidante like an older sister. She is portrayed as someone who grew up in a traditional family but has a bold personality daring to express herself. She does not talk down to younger relatives, but engages them as equals and encourages them to also boldly be themselves.

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The role of the open-minded, independent youngest aunt in the 2020 Chinese drama series My Best Friend's Story (played by Yuan Quan, left) was popular with audiences. (Internet)

A February article in Lifeweek describes the youngest aunt as the “youngest sister of the elder family members; to the younger generation, she is an elder sister and a friend. While choosing a different lifestyle according to her own will, she became a guiding light for others by chance.”

Hence, it is not that young people do not need relatives, but they have new hopes for familial relationships: mutual respect without dependency. They may also yearn to live however suits them best, just like the “youngest aunt”.

Spring Festival travels still popular 

However, even as most people complain about their relatives and support “cutting ties”, their actions tell a different story. In reality, it is still a struggle to snag tickets during the annual Spring Festival travel season. After a year of working away from home, most Chinese still yearn to go home and have a reunion meal with their parents, and family ties still hold a soft spot for many of them. 

Perhaps, it is this internal struggle between "cutting ties or not" that leads to people's online venting about how peculiar their relatives are. 

The truth is, after years of the one-child policy, many adults have no siblings and Chinese families are getting smaller. In a few generations, oft-roasted distant relatives like the Seventh or Eighth Aunt will be no more.

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Passengers arrive at Hangzhou East train station in Hangzhou, in China's eastern Zhejiang province on 28 April 2023. (AFP)

Clearly, as China transitions from a traditional agricultural society to a modern one, kinship ties also need to evolve, dropping what is unnecessary and keeping the essence.

Will Chinese people achieve what they envision as the ideal kinship? The truth is, after years of the one-child policy, many adults have no siblings and Chinese families are getting smaller. In a few generations, oft-roasted distant relatives like the Seventh or Eighth Aunt will be no more.

Hence, as academic Hu Xiaowu says, there is no need to worry about “cutting ties” or even do anything about it. This may be a passing phase. Fewer relatives and smaller families: that is the reality.

This article was first published in Lianhe Zaobao as "中国年轻人断亲?".

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